The Process of Recovering is the account of activist Marcia Wickham's journey from trauma to recovery. Over forty years, she overcomes childhood incest and escapes fundamentalist Christianity to achieve self-discovery and fulfillment.
“Your story really touched me. My story is very similar. It is so beautiful to see that it is possible to find a way out of this darkness and have a good life.”
A Story of Trauma & Resilience
Written by: Jonathan Bulette (Director)
The Process of Recovering aims to answer a universal question: How do we cope with the bad things that happen to us?
Marcia Wickham is an expert in this subject. This film tells her story.
As a child, Marcia‘s father, Patrick DiGuardi, raped her every Sunday afternoon. This went on from age 8 to age 14. Her mother refused to acknowledge the abuse. Her brother disappeared whenever it occurred.
Marcia was on her own.
What follows is the story of how she experienced the confusing torment of PTSD, and how she found her own path to recovery.
Marcia’s father stopped abusing her when he announced that he was born again through Christ, and therefore instantly absolved of his sins.
Marcia tried to put it all behind her. She got married and adopted kids. Then, when she was 25, her father died. Marcia thought his death meant closure, but she was wrong.
After her father’s funeral, Marcia discovered that her older brother had also been abused. This revelation unlocked something in her: flashbacks, bringing her right back to the sights, sounds, smells, physical sensations and emotions of her childhood.
On the tenth anniversary of her wedding, Marcia attempted suicide.
She took eighty Ritalin pills, gave herself a heart attack, then lay in a coma for two days.
When she woke up, Marcia was in the psychiatric ward of a local hospital, where she met a psychiatrist: Dr. John Bulette. They began a therapeutic relationship that would continue for nearly a decade.
Dr. John Bulette is my father. He’s worked in psychiatry for forty years. He contends that severe childhood abuse like the kind Marcia suffered is often a death sentence; almost everyone succumbs to some form of self-annihilation, sooner or later.
And yet, Marcia was able to recover. This film tells the story of how she did it. She learned to trust, she learned to love, she learned to accept love, and she learned to love herself.
When I met Marcia, I was at one of the lowest points of my life. I had just been through a divorce. I thought I had ruined my life and I would never again be happy.
So I shot an interview with my dad, put it on YouTube, and a little while later I got a message from someone who was looking for him.
This turned out to be Marcia. That was more than 15 years ago, and this movie is the result of a collaboration with her that has been the most meaningful creative experience of my life.
I really hope this movie helps people to see that it’s possible to recover from the pain you are experiencing. Everyone’s pain is different. I’m not saying it’s easy. As Marcia’s story shows, it’s really, really hard. But it is possible.
I am very grateful to the many collaborators on this project.
Peyton Gifis, Brianna Scully, and Sarah Louise Lilley portrayed Marcia at various stages in her life, from childhood to adulthood.
Their vulnerability, integrity and courage as performers is a foundation of our visual storytelling.
We are also indebted to our interview subjects: Caroline Lee, Richard & Kathy Lee, Kimberly Readinger, Tim Readinger, Judy Smith and Merle Stoltzfus.
Without their candor and willingness to have hard conversations, this story could not be told.
Important passages of the story are told with VHS video shot by Tim. Thank you for shooting it, thank you for letting us use it.
The film was shot and co-produced by dear friend and exquisite DP Smokey Nelson.
Additional photography and aerial imagery by Emmy Award winner Brandon Widener.
The film was co-directed by Nora Mandray and Jason Kole, who wrote and directed the cinematic scenes, conducted key interviews, and physically produced much of the film.
Tori Lancaster’s production design brought Nora and Jason’s imagined world to life.
Charlotte Day-Reiss provided key production in early days of the project.
Effects on still photos and VHS footage from peerless visual artist Chroma.
The beautiful score was written by Nick Oddy, a trusted friend and advisor throughout the entire decade or more of evolution. The music was performed by Marcia and pianist Rob Schwimmer and recorded by the incomparable David Goldman at his Musegarden recording studio.
The incredible Viridiana Lieberman revised the script and edited the film. I have Viri to thank for imparting this story with so much of it’s heart and it’s soul. Christopher Dillon provided crucial story notes along the way.
Thanks to Jason, the extraordinary producer Christian Beetz joined the project, and brought it to Eric Friedler of the broadcaster NDR in Germany, where it made a german language premiere as “Nicht Meine Schande” or “Not My Shame.”
The project is a co-production of Vice Studios and Gebrueder Beetz Filmproduktion.
The pandemic challenged my ability to promote the film at festivals, and now I am releasing it for free so that as many people as possible can take heart from Marcia’s story.
The last thought that I want to share is about authorship. I began this project 15 years ago, at a time when I was in great pain. I didn’t know what it would become.
During the the course of production, an important conversation emerged around the question of authenticity and authorship in the representation of marginalized voices.
As I straight white man with no history of trauma, do I have the right to tell the story of a female childhood incest survivor?
This question tormented me for years. And, if I’m honest, I have been terrified that the release of this project will expose me to the critique that I have unfairly appropriated a story that I have no right to tell… that I would be cancelled for trying to tell it.
Or, perhaps, because of my identity, I missed something important in telling this story.
After reflecting on these questions, I’ve come to two conclusions:
One, I came to this project from an authentic place of seeking answers from someone I felt was wiser than I. I have not personally capitalized on the project in any material way. I have done my best to be true to Marcia, and to her story. Perhaps a person of another gender with trauma in their background would have done a better job. I’ll never know. I can’t control that. I did my best.
Two, I cannot allow my fears to prevent people from discovering Marcia’s story, and taking comfort in the life-changing wisdom she worked so hard to discover.
I hope this film provides comfort to those who seek it.
Thank you Marcia for being one of the most important people in my life. In making this film, I found what I was looking for.
